a day of fighting the shakes.
a day of fighting the urge to run
aday of fighting the head aches
a day of fighting the world
a day of fighting ymself
just one more day.
or
one less day?

ok here come my joke....saw it on a game trailer....


hey ok we are being sent in first.....wait dont they have like people that are trained to do that...
yes by they are to expensive to lose....
aw fuck....

just a military joke...
also known as fubar

I try to leave the pain of my past behind.
I have been trying to leave alot behind me latly.....
Trying to mold myself into somthing.
not sure...what...
but something better
but i gess its always been like that.

a few things are in me head alot....
only a few things that are so vivid.
like photos....
the white crosses......
the violins....in the streets of the taterd bildings...
the chears of the romans....
the crys of the people.
the fall if civilisations

haha my freind she said this in one of her updates and i kindda found it funny ish

"Love is just an excuse for all the bad things you are doing and the shit you are putting up with"
then i tought to myself....
wow that was 6 months ago....

a story
a new playlist
amost bilt on me.
well
the me i see right now.
my past
my present
and everything else.

you will find it on my other page....the secound one....

well.....i gess this post changed its meaning half way though....
so i gess here what i want to talk about.....


my past...I kindda decided to look back on it finaly.
I treid to be a diffrent person once before.
A simple rose on a simple valintines day.
I decided to go out on a limb.
It worked for a wile.
then it dicapeaierd.
like everything else in my life but whats new.
skip forward a cuple years....
high school...
A changed person.
slightly more depressed than every one else.
yet no one knows anything about me.
Just one more fake mask.
One more actor in the play of life.
Still alone.
just trying to get outta high school...
get on with the rest of me life.
everything was planed out.
a military life.
full blown.
no one to cry for me.
made it easy.
Just be me.
alone.
In scilence.
The darkness was not that bad.
I accepted who I was.
Then i gess things kindda changed.
I decided to go out on a limb again.
try to be diffrent..
maby life could be better.
skip ahead a few more months.
things start to fall apart.
I try to hold it together.
It works for a few more.
then i kindda crumbles.
I decided to move on with my life so I dont get draged down with some one who never realized who I was.
kindda spent a few days thinking prity lowly of my self.
yet
I was slightly releaved.
*back a year*
some one catches my eye,
yet shes out there and I realy dont want to talk to her.
not frightend.
I gess its just myy shyness.
yet...she grows close to me some how.
hard for me to get close to anyone.
yet she become my best freind so to say.
I end upthinking more of her.
the similarities betwine us. Yet I kindda got close to some on else at the same time.
yet it was diffrent.
A slight chunk of me wanted to dump her after things got rough. for some reasion ididnt.
After I did break up with her.
I wish i would have done it sooner.
Yet at the same time I wish i didnt.
Yet I traded lives once again.
I broke up with her.
I hung up my mask that every one else seen.
Every one but her.
The one person to look deeper than the serface.
The one I truly loved.
Somthing about her.
It grew on me.
Maby it was when I relized if she died a space in me would be vacant.
I fought so hard for her with out relizing it.
Then she held her life in her hands.
I kindda dawned on me.
I was ment for her.
yet wile i was single i still floated around for a bit.
found out som things.....
like the day she found out that i was dating the other girl was the day she was going to ask me.
If only one of us would have asked sooner.
well it came around and she asked me.
I said yes of course.
life gets better.
The pain not as harsh.
The distance spacing lessing then dissapering.
the slight smiles.
yet I still ask my self.
did I make a diffrence today?
Yet I still ask myself.
why do things happin like they do.
but then I think
somties the plot may be obscure and dim.
yet it always works out in the best way it can.

so I gess thats it for now....
feal a lil beter....
night
Myself

things i find funny
hypacrits....
irony

153

conterdiction/irony

running from who im
yet
trying to get closer to myself

twichits
23
havent listined to this song in a long wile
yet it stil feels.. so familar...
then its kindda broken by 24
yet still held together....
kindda like some one I know...
broken...
yet still ok

ok what i took from you wensday...
i will not give it back
untill
A. your dad asks.
B i can trust you with it.


also i want a copy of your story....
dont care if its a rough

movies people sould watch.......
domino
lord of war
last samuri
and some other ones i cant think of right now...
wait
across the universe

crazy
by
gnarls barkly

just a song that plays on the brain

a few songs i like
you might 2

creed
my sacifice

rise against
swing life away Kindda reminds me of you mostly...
with the ill tell you whos is worse...........

then somtime when your sad i think of this one...
mostly when im
chers me up

satly dog by flogging molly

heres a hint....
the sun

176

dotn ever think my love for you is anything like me past.
Its a compleatly diffrent thing.
Thats kindda why i cant stay mad at you.
Thats kindda why you fill my holes.
Yet some wounds never heal we all know that.
But then again
every rule has an exception.

I told my self I will not go back into the dakness.
Yet in the darkness is somthing i wish I could find.
myself.
I promised I would not go back onto the darkness.
And yet I find myself serching for somthing that can be found in the darkness.

Walk softly in the darkness.
Walk softly so no one hears you escape into the darkness.
Walk softly no one will notice.
Walk softly time will pass faster.
Walk softly.

44

a new list for a new day

new song list for a new day.
about a man
136
158
166
171*
176
15
20 ( slight smile)
55
59 (just kindda like the smoothness of the song)
125 ( just kindda relaxes me in some way)

twich rant

lession 1.
dont be a hypacrit.
the more hypacritical you are the dumber you get.
And the more you are them more people hate you.
shut up no one cares about your retarded hypacritical opinion.
It dosnt matter.

lession 2
I put wall up to keep people safe.
deal with it.

lession 3.
the world sucks.
it always has.
Its violent.
Its crule.
Its full of retarded people that drag it down.
thats the world.

lession 4.
no one cares.
stop bitching.
no one will be there to hear you.
theres a point when you stop.
end of conversation.
Thanx for draggin the world down....it give me a reasion to be so dam pessimistic.
so stop blaming me for your rainy days,

a self conterdiction

yep thats me in a ut shell
a big counterdiction.
being me is the hardest thing ever.
torn yet whole.
its hard being me.
The hardest thing i know.
trying to fight myself to live each day,
somtimes its easy sometimes its unbarible.,
puting the mask on is easy.
taking it off scaring.
the harsh battle within.
The pain of life.
The full body pain.
the pain of being toched.
the bombs in my head.
the pain of voices.
the pain of light.
the struggle.
The thoughts.
I wish I could sleep.
least then the pain isnt as bad.
the irony of trying to be yourself.
yet wishin you whernt in pain

199 about a man

about a man
12
62
88
92
108
127
151
166
183 ( the only theme song I ever had)

no rest
7
153
185
195
198

A peace of me just well dosnt know what to do.
A peace of me wants to run before The past seams to catch up.
A part of me just wants to stay.
A part of me wants to trust you.
A part of me wants to be alone.
A part of me just wants to know ahead of time.
A part of me just wants to be so far away.


Some times I just wonder.
What do I do next?

random thought.,,,,,
why is it when your not daing one no one like you.
well least they keep it to them selves.
but when you date some one
everything come outta the wood work?
just kindda odd.....
owelll

195*
189
192
185
181-184
a short list
yet it kindda means somthing ish

The sound of silence.
The peacefullness of it.
Yet the terror.
The screaming.
The shouting.
The pain.
Waiting for shit to hit the fan.
the worst fealiing ever.
Then the fighting starts.
Bullets flying everwhere.
Just do what you do everytime.
Hope you get out alive once more.
Just to go though the same thing the next day.
Waiting for death.
Wanting to go home.
Waiting for the end to come.
wanting the end to come.
Wanting the fighting to stop.
Yet you try to shout and scream for it to stop.
Yet cant make any noise.
The fealing I wake up to.
The things I deal with.
The pain and suffering of war.
The reasion Iam the way im.
The pain in my life.
My dreams...
My life.
Wanting for my angel to take me far away from my pain.
Yet I run headstrong into my pain.
Like I always have.
Running from everything that im and everything im not.
Stuck somwhere here in the middle.
torn into peaces.
shaterd.

the light is not great by itself.
its the darkness that makes light so great.

its what you leave behind......thats the only thing that maters

hmm
them songs
126
142
58
60

hmm

85
a thought of the day.
Its not the bildings that make a city a city.
its the people.
hey lets throw 35 in there too

the 2 things that bother me the most.
people that talk about shit they dont know about.
poeple that complain about shit and do nothing about it.
any combination of those 2 things.
also
stupid people.

about a man
37
153
154
175 *idk about this one*

What if you knew you where going to die.
would you try to avoid it.
would you try to change things.
what if you knew everything leading to your death.
would you stop and do everything you wanted to do.
what if you knew every thing you did wouldnt change anything.
What if you knew what would still happin.
what would you do.
would you do nothing.
what if things didnt turn out like you thought it would.
what if you knew you where alredy dead
its my life
somewhat.

62
4
6 ( current mood)

Somtimes I think about things I souldnt
somtimes I saythings i souldnt.
Somtimes /i do things /i souldnt.
Sometimes /I fuck up.
And somtimes people piss me off beacuse they like to fucking flaunt that shit in my face and I just want to fucking snap there dam necks like fucking tooth picks.

ok
im prity good now......
that felt better.
twich

56
chasing sunsine.

somthing i kindda think about.
Its more of.
well its kindda what i think whn you run.
Just chasing after you.

All i have to say in response is.
all good things are hidden.
not easy to find.
yet when you do find them
they are so worth it.

my pillars change
today
HONOR
COURAGE
COMMITMENT

that stone saying.

A rolling stone gather no moss.

it can be taken 2 aways.
The stone never has roots to hold it down.
or
the stone is always fresh beacuse it never grows roots.

kindda funny
somtimes i wonder what stone im

playlist #2

119
22
122
126*
165
130
134
138
153
The shatterd mind speeks.
154
158
3
5
56
53

In the dakness I pray.
I pray for the day to come tomaorw.
I pray for the ones that deserve it.
I pray in the darkness of night.
I pray for you.